Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
