Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
