He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
