Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
