I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
