Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
