I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
