well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
