8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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