how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
