last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
All I want is dick and wine.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
