YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
