Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
