The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
