I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
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