Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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