I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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