We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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