I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
