why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
