i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
