I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
