ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
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