Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
