My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
