Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize