A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
