I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
