Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He? As in you personified your dick?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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