apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Randomize
