I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
