I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
