the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize