you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
