It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
