I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My feet surprised me
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
