I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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