He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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