My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
