my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
