if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
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