This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
