so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
