It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
