I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
