Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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