Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
