I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize