It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
