I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
