he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
