Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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