dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize