who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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