saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
