there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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