I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
