You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize