I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
