Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
